What if’s?

There are times when I think about my last boyfriend. I never had that kind of feeling since then. He’s not my first boyfriend, but he is my first love. First love doesn’t always mean the first guy you loved; it’s the one whom you first felt that unexplainable feeling of love. We didn’t have a formal break up. It’s just like the wind, I knew, we knew that it’s over. Thinking about it makes me feel blue. I must admit, nothing’s changed about what I feel.

I don’t know why or how, all I know is that he doesn’t love me anymore. He’s fallen out of love and he is in love with someone else. In our last four months together, we almost argue every day. We fight about useless things, we quarrel to nonsense ideas and we can’t understand each other. I know I did something wrong. Considering the fact that I am one year ahead of him, I am insecure. I always make sure that when we’re together, we make the best of it. No quarrels or fight just love. Since I entered college, I’ve been busy but that doesn’t let us separate. We still communicate and see each other if we have time. He’s also been busy because he’s graduating in high school plus the fact that he’s an officer to an Iloilo chapter organization. We see each other often.

I heard gossips that he has a crush on a first year student in his school. As his girlfriend, I am jealous anyways, who wouldn’t? So I asked him if that’s true, at first he’s denying it but later on he admitted. I am hurt. Badly hurt. But we didn’t break up because of that. I texted the girl using his phone and said all the things that I want to clear. The girl is nice, she understands. But my boyfriend is just so I don’t know *insert term here*, he still communicate with that little girl. Then I hear a gossip again, he has a new crush a girl (whom I considered friend but I don’t know to her. She deleted me on her friendslist on facebook. I don’t know to her. LOL). I knew her, she’s been a friend of mine because we have the same curriculum and sometimes, we are together in school activities, performing. They’ve been communicating. Again, I am jealous. It’s normal, right? I still remembered, it was my birthday 2010 when I discovered that they’re texting each other. My boyfriend and I were in SM, in the food court, he’s texting so I asked him whose he texting at. He didn’t answer. He bought me a cake and we went home. We ate the cake together with my family. I borrowed his phone, and saw the “code name” of the girl. The code name is very obvious, I get it right away. They’re texting. I got mad. I texted her saying that it’s me and what the hell she’s texting with my boyfriend even though she knows that he is my boyfriend and that he is in a relationship with me whom she knows and consider me as an older sister? She replied choochoochoo and telling me that she knows choochoochoo that she’ll not communicate with my boyfriend and chorva and everything. So, yeah after that my boyfriend went home. Me, still angry at him.

It was November 2010 when I went to HS to witness the Mr. and Ms. Campus Teens. I saw my boyfriend staring at the girl. Because I’m mad, I shouted to her “*insert name here” si *insert boyfriend’s name here* gi huh” (our language, saying, “Girl, si Boy oh” or just like that, y`know). She faces me and just smiled. But my boyfriend got mad at me. He said I shouldn’t do it. So I explained to him what I felt. I guess, that’s one of the reasons why he broke up with me (oh yes. He’s the one who broke up with me).

December 2010, he invited me to come over their house because her Mommy (his mother’s sister) wants to see me. So I did, come to their house. He’s with his classmates. I had my dinner there with her Mommy, cousins, his Mom and his Dad then we had chit chats and I went home. That was the last time we’ve been together. For that last time, I felt that I am still important to him. The last time I had with his family (whom I am close, especially to his Mommy). I miss them. I miss talking with them. I miss his cute little cousins (Pintok! I miss youL)

And yes, you may ask me if I miss him. Yes, I do. I miss how we’ve been. That foolishness we had. Strolling in the city with no place to go. Even just the simplest thing that we do, I miss. I miss how we talk, how we walk, how we laugh, how we were together. Yes, I miss him.

Ask me what if he comes back, then my answer is he maybe left me, but he didn’t left my heart—he’s been there all along. But that doesn't mean that we could be in a relationship again. We can be just friends. In God's wonderfultime.✘x✘